Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
