My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
