im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
