1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
