Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
