I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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