My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
