I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize