Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
