i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
