Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dignity is for republicans.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
