So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
