Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize