I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
