Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
