I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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