I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
