my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
