I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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