one two three fourrrrnication!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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