Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
