Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
