Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
