Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
