Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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