I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
FUCK WHALES
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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