So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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