We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is it because I queefed?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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