I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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