I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize