I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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