i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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