Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
