mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
