Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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