They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
