The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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