My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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