he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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