i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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