i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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