anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
