I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
