I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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