Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
