I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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