I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
