she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
