so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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