Your dad touched me again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
