If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize