Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You did what with his pubic hair?
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