Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
