The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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