Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
