the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
