Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
