Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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