Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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