There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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