btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
