Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
