i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
