Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
