Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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