i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
