If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
