there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
