I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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