Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
