"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
