Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i think my tv is drunk
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
