I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize