i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
