Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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