capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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